Welcome all to the first ever “You Got A Minute Fam.” Yes we have unofficially trademarked this troll phrase and are now in the process of marketing it. All the slander minus the Cory Stats….let’s get to it!
Week 1 is the worse time of the year for NFL fans. Nobody ever gets credit the first week, if you have a good performance “it was week 1 you know”, if you have a bad performance “it was week 1 you know”, if you picked Carolina in your Elimination Pool…eh, I guess you can’t really use that excuse there…just blame Goodell!
Best Individual Offensive Performances:
QB: Matthew Stafford, DET- 79.5% completion, 340 yards, 3 touchdowns and minus the greatest Decepticon of all time! (Week 1 excuse: “it was the colts defense”)
Honorable Mention: Drew Brees, NO- 66.7% completion, 423 yards, 4 touchdowns and one L….a common theme for the gunslinger (Week 1 excuse: “dahhhhhh George Bush doesn’t care about black people??”)
RB: Does the league really even use these anymore?
DeAngelo Williams, PIT- 26 rushes, 143 yards, 6 catches and 2 touch downs (Week 1 excuse: it was the Redskins)
WR: A.J Green, CIN- 12 catches, 180 yards, 1 touchdown, An island claimed, my God I didn’t realize his numbers were that good Sunday. No wonder everyone keeps trying to take Revis out back and put him down quietly. (week 1 excuse: none….he didn’t have to do Revis like that man)
Honorable Mention: Antonio Brown, PIT- 8 catches, 126 yards, 2 touchdowns, Breelands Soul, and permanent claim to the space behind the Redskins secondary (week 1 excuse: “it’s nothin to a boss”)
Best Individual Defensive Performances:
DL: Leonard Williams, NYJ- 2.5 sacks and 5 QB hits, 3 tackles and 3 assisted geez slow down big fella, you gonna hurt someone big fella (week 1 excuse: look at him he’s huge…you go block him)
LB: Kwon Alexander, TB- 17 tackles, 15 solo and 1 sack the motor was running full throttle sunday for Kwon (week 1 excuse: dude, nobody cares about the Buccaneers)
DB: Baushaud Breeland, WAS- 7 catches, 110 yards, 2 touchdowns receiving and 1 rushing touchdown, helped power a potent Pittsburgh offense through the air and on the ground (week 1 excuse: none, I hope you don’t expect him to hang his head)
Thank You Wallace ( the three hottest takes segment and in no particular order)
1) Alex Smith is a good quarterback
G**da****……why in the name of tebow do we have to go over this every single year every 2-3 weeks. We get it. Alex can win football games yaay!! He’s the guy in the control room and the chiefs are the scud missles bombing the opposition. Yes, the chiefs came back sunday down by almost two scores, yes he ran in the game winning TD, yes every other QB gets credit for stuff like that but NO he did not lead the chiefs to victory. An act of God saved Peters and the chiefs defense from death by bludgeoning when Keenan Allen went down from a non contact injury. And people say there is no God or He doesn’t have a sense of humor!
2) The NFL doesn’t care about Black QBs
The BQBM movement was in full force after the Thursday night loss to the Broncos because Cam Newton took quite a few shots to the head througout the game not resulting in penalties. Fine’s are coming and the league has reiterated that it is thoroughly invested in the Concussion research and development in concussion prevention and CTE. Couldn’t you tell after they put him back in the game and ran him a lot after the fifth blow to the head. The guy crashed his car and it rolled over and everything he got up, ran through the tunnel and led his team to victory.
3) NFC east reactions (minus philly of course)
Redskins suck, Cowboys suck, Giants are division champs!!! Seriously does anybody in that division have patience besides the Giants? I feel like people finally realized Eli is special (ed) and they are nice to him to make up for all times they wished him dead.
***Honorable Mention for Hot Takes: Week 1 power rankings***
No Slander Just Facts on Jeff Fisher:
In conclusion I just want to remind everyone in America, Jeff Fisher sucks at his job, Jeff Fisher is still employed at his job, when his job gave him an extension Jeff Fisher had recently benched the #1 draft pick and loss by 28 to a division foe and arguably the weakest link not named the Rams. Jeff sucks, don’t be like Jeff Fisher!
****Don’t forget to check out all the content on the http://www.iconoclasticallybombastic.com/ website, Cody Stewart has put a lot of time into his articles so at least take the time to look at them and tell him how much you disagree.